Coulter Goes Even More Commercial

On “Hannity and Colmes” Ann Coulter announced she was named the official spokesperson for the first taser approved for home use by the Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Nicknamed the “Elite Annihilator,” the product is designed to work only on liberals. It will come in both “His” and “Her” styles as well as a smaller version for use by children.

All models will work at ranges up to 100 yards, and according to Ann, will for example allow the zapping of that irritating ACLU neighbor across the street who insists on mowing his lawn at 8 am on Saturday mornings because it represents free expression protected by the Constitution – “Annihilator” to the Rescue!

Ann cautioned worrier Alan Colmes about the dangers of mixing the taser and alcohol. A major lawsuit is in fact pending regarding a man who was knocking down martinis and watching an Al Franken interview on “Hardball.”.

Enraged at Franken’s praise for Bill Clinton the man tasered the TV causing a five-alarm fire -- and is still looking for his eyebrows.

"No Spin-Zone" Hedge Clippers

Bill O’Reilly announced today that the Factor Website has restocked its supply of “No-Spin Zone” Hedge Clippers just in time for Valentine’s Day, though a major run on both “No-Spin Zone” Potting Soil and O’Reilly’s Original Orange Marmalade has dictated both won’t be available for several weeks.

Also, a slight problem with the “No-Spin Zone” Do-It-Yourself, Non-Clogging Gutter System has caused it to be taken off the market temporarily for product improvements.

Any consumers intent on purchasing products not currently available will be given discounts on other Factor gear, as well as an autographed copy of Bill’s new parenting book, “Raise Your Kid Like I Raised Mine and Don’t Listen to Anyone Else.”

In this tome Bill interviews dozens of parenting experts worldwide, concludes they’re full of hooey, and offers his own suggestions.

Kerry Flip-Flops Again

Dick Morris admitted to Bill O’Reilly on the “Factor” that an anonymous close friend was the source for John Kerry’s latest media storm.

Apparently, Kerry told colleagues (one of whom was a friend of Dick’s) that he had eaten lunch at the Senate Cafeteria last week, first voting for the turkey tetrazini, then voting against it, opting for the welsh rarebit instead.

Dick’s friend couldn’t refrain from leaking the flip-flop to the media.

However, Dick told Bill that the current ads appearing on the conservative Sinclair Network for the last several days, accusing elite Kerry of never having once eaten at the Senate Cafeteria, were not cheap shots and only an attempt at holding public officials accountable for their statements.

The commercials, not surprisingly financed by The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, have shown interviews with Senate cafeteria workers who said they had never even seen Kerry, and also claimed that turkey tetrazini and welsh rarebit have never been on the menu.